We’ve all heard it. We’ve probably even offered it as advice to some poor, lost soul whose plight we either can’t or won’t invest in. That’s the good part about cliche proverbs: they’re handy and time-honored. The bad part about cliche proverbs is that they’re… well, they’re cliche proverbs. They are dismissive and tired. Use them frequently, and people will stop asking you for advice because you and your advice are completely useless to them. Depending on the situation, that may or may not be a good thing.

For those of us on the verge of society (and I do mean “verge”. “Fringe” has too many ruffles to soften an existence on the margin of anything), the advice, “If you can’t beat them, join them” gives us not one, but two things to feel futile about. Clearly, we’re already losing or we wouldn’t hear that stupid sentence to begin with. Now someone we confided in has reminded us that we’re also unpalatable outcasts amongst our species on top of being a loser. Thanks for that. It had slipped our minds for a moment that not being able to join them was the reason we set out to beat them in the first place. You can be a loser or you can be an outcast, but you can’t be both.

The only reason I’ve ever wanted to out-do an adversary is because I felt excluded to begin with. That’s where my new motto was born. We exist in a place where the only time you’re going to find black and white is in a tube at a hobby shop. Our lives consist of going from climate controlled box to climate controlled box, oscillating on a spectrum of asking for what we want on one side, and trying to prevent everything we don’t on the other. Our glasses are both half empty and half full- depending on what’s in them and how hard it is to swallow.

So when I say, “If you can’t join them, beat them”, I don’t mean to submit them. I don’t mean to dominate or humiliate or disgrace or shame or vilify them, and I don’t mean to exact revenge (which, in regards to cliche proverbs, is not a dish best served cold. Revenge is like pizza. Revenge is good no matter the temperature; it’s good fresh, frozen, or leftover. Even when it’s bad, it’s good.). When I say “beat”, I mean to render of no consequence. To fortify your own house until it’s so solid you might not even know if someone tries to breach it. To be so consumed with your own enrichment and your own journey that you don’t even consider spending your valuable time or resources establishing your own dominance in someone else’s house. In the words of Baz Luhrmann:

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Baz Lhurmann

So yeah. Smother them with cliche proverbs. Kill them with kindness. Or rather: eclipse them with the kindness that you afforded your own damn self.