As Gene Autry once said, “I’m back in the saddle again”. I cannot express how much I regret that I used to refer to English saddles as “sissy saddles”. I picked the statement up at some point up in my childhood as my parents bred Arabians who then made them into some of the top reiners in the nation (I know. I swear it seemed totally normal at the time. I didn’t question the laws of nature in my formative years. Clearly). Anyway, all I knew of life was that horses must be in it. I spent a lot of my childhood either sitting in a feed tub pretending to fish with a lunge whip or napping in my mother’s most prized broodmare’s stall with whatever baby she had by her side at the time while my parents and their trainers and friends day-drank out of solo cups and ripped around on the stallions in western saddles. Times have changed. I wouldn’t dare refer to an english or dressage saddle as a “sissy saddle” now; if any saddle is a sissy saddle, it’s a western saddle because there’s like, something to hang on to when the world becomes a whistling blur. I suspect the “sissy” part was more of an adjective for the kind of person *in* the saddle, but that little myth has been completely debunked, too. Go toe to toe with a cowboy and then pick a fight with a dressage queen. I’d say let me know which one was worse, but you won’t be able to in protective custody after the dressage queen nearly beats you to death with your own arm then eats your entire family.

A LOT has changed since then both with me and with horse culture. Coming back on the scene, the first thing I learned was that horses (when you could still formally advertise them on Facebook) advertised as $1.00 were not actually for sale for $1.00. Ashley kept talking about lesson horses and how expensive and rare the really good ones were and I was all, “where you getting your information from there, boss? I just scrolled past a whole bunch that can jump a semi and shut the barn door when they’re done for a dollar. It’s not like we’re looking for purebreds. I feel like you’re not even *trying* with this…” and I was swiftly shown the error of my ways.

The second thing I learned was that the lingo is different. Quite frankly, I was offended. Thats when I started keeping a list of things I heard Ashley say about horses and things I heard other people say to her *about* horses to show her how offensive it really was. Here are a few of the actual quotes I’ve kept throughout the years. The catch:

Exchange the word “horse”, stated or implied, for the word “hooker”:

She’s cheap because she’s old and hasn’t started her career yet.

Ashley

Those knees, tho…

Ashley

Oh, she’s CUUUUUUUUTE!

Ashley

She’s old. She’s 23 and a risky investment because she’s probably already hagged out.

Ashley

Angie’s cute…

Ashley

Yeah, but is she an easy keeper? She could use some weight; she’s a little ribby.

Ashley

What does she do that’s worth $3200 dollars?!?!

Ashley

Is she cute? I dunno. It’s dark and she had a petrified look on her face so I did what I had to do and left her alone.

Ashley re: new boarder horse that was delivered after dark

She’s just gorgeous. She has a beautiful muscular body but she has this piggish move where she won’t bend her neck and she gets the reins in her mouth and takes off.

Someone to Ashley

Meh. She is lovely. And clearly has potential. I’d pass on her though with all the others you have to look at. Baggage on a greenie is a long process. Can be super frustrating. I think she’s gonna be a hot and feisty one.

Advice given to Ashley

Boy these Canadians can really take a pounding.

Said to Ashley

Lady on the phone: “Is he adjustable?” Ashley: “Yep. I’ve ridden him deep and I’ve ridden him long. Nothing phases him.”

Potential buyer for one of Ashley’s horses

She’s going to make you beg for it.

Ashley

I don’t like lazy.

Ashley

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